


Love You Right

by kimjongwaee (jirml)



Series: love defying gravity [1]
Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Anxiety, Insecurity, M/M, a lil bit of fluff, and a lil bit more angst, slight angst, slight chansoo if you squint
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-25
Updated: 2018-01-25
Packaged: 2019-03-09 10:48:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 17,950
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13479915
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jirml/pseuds/kimjongwaee
Summary: Prompt #166Title: Love You RightRating: PG13Word Count: 17.9k~Warnings: Insecurity, AnxietySummary: "Always the bridesmaid, never the bride", or so they say. All his life, Jongdae was always the second choice, a rebound if things didn't work out. For once, he wants to know how it feels to be the first and only choice.





	1. take your time

**Author's Note:**

> To Prompter-san, I hope you like this even though it might not be what you expected?? There's no smut, hardly any fluff, and what sorry, slight angst? 'Slight angst' apparently doesn't exist in my dictionary :') Well, to me it's slight angst... I really tried though and I had fun writing this, it's my first time too, so I tried my bestest
> 
> Thank you to the mods for holding this Baekchen Fest, and for putting up with me (I'm sorry I was late, why am I like this) 
> 
> The world also needs more Baekchen honestly, my OTP :')
> 
> Anyways, do enjoy this lil something... I'll see you at the end :3
> 
> ((this is secretly a song fic for Love Me Right))

“Luhan hyung.” Said person smiles down at him and Jongdae can’t disregard that goofy grin no matter how unwanted it is right now. A brush on his shoulder directs his view towards the other and only person he was expecting to meet at the moment. 

“Sorry Jongdae, Luhan wouldn’t stop pestering me to come with. Brought him here err—so he won’t kill himself in the dorms with his stupidity.” Gazing at the soft smile sent to him, especially after the previous silly one he received, Jongdae can’t help but melt and forgive.

“It’s alright, Minseok hyung,” The two older men take their seats and start bickering about what to order, Jongdae just observes.

 _Minseok hyung_. A hyung Jongdae cherishes deeply.

He first met Minseok on his first day of Freshmen Orientation, a considerate sophomore helping out the floundering freshie who couldn’t find his way to his first homeroom class. Jongdae must have amused Minseok enough for Minseok to keep him.

Ever since that day, Minseok has successfully integrated Jongdae into his own group of friends. Along the way, Jongdae gets hit and smacked on with feelings, which left him paralysed and stuck as realisation dawns on him that Minseok won’t really ever see him as more than a loveable _dongsaeng_.

Making matters worse is the third party with them, sitting opposite Jongdae and beside Minseok. Luhan, Minseok’s inseparable best friend —or so they claim to only be. And weighing the current situation right now, Luhan and Minseok fighting over the menu, bodies close to each other as Luhan tries to keep the menu away from the other and Minseok practically hugging Luhan from behind chasing it with his arms.

 _Yeah_ , Jongdae more’s of the third party than anyone else right now.

 _It hasn’t always been like this_. Jongdae would argue for that. But the truth was, maybe it always has, and it just got more obvious as he grew up.

 

 

It started out small. With his brother, Jongdeok.

Now, his parents are loving people, he could never ask for better ones. They loved him, cared for him, and raised two boys worthy of society’s high praise —and society has set a really high bar for that. But along the way, as he and his brother got older, Jongdae would start to notice a little… _favouritism_.

Like he said, it started out small. 

More praises given here and there, better Christmas presents, better birthday presents. The one with the longer end of the stick? _Jongdeok of course_. But Jongdae never really let it get to him. He could understand why. _Heck_ , if he were his parents, he’d prefer his older brother too. He’s smart, never below Top 10 in school, eventually becoming an architect. He’s charming —all their relatives love him, and while he was not an overly handsome man, he had a fruitful dating life before settling down. He is also a kind, doting, and respectful brother that Jongdae adores.

But it’s not like Jongdae isn’t any of those things. Jongdae’s smart too. He’s a good brother. He’s charming, kind, polite, honest. _Check. Check. Check._ **_Check_** _._

It’s... just that maybe Jongdeok’s smarter, kinder, and just all around better. He sometimes makes Jongdae naturally feel inferior, but his brother’s admirable personality made it hard for Jongdae to hate him and let the sibling rivalry develop into something sinister.

Jongdae even has some notable achievements on his own. He was proudly talented in music. While he couldn’t win a taekwondo competition like his brother could, he could live breathing music in his life. It naturally flows in his bloodstream and is deeply engraved in his bones. He was made for music, he majors in it. 

If you’d ask his parents if they were proud of his feat, they’d say yes. But other people don’t view his dreams the same way, they briefly glance at it unpleasantly.

The arts is beautiful and appreciated, but it’s hard to get you by. Most of his relatives thought music would just be a passing hobby, so when Jongdae goes not to University straight like his brother did, and instead enrols in College for a degree in Music Education _a year_ after graduating high school, his relatives shower him with fake smiles and congratulations as Jongdae sees the way their eyes compare him with Jongdeok again.

Time passed like that, similar scenes conjuring up here and there, and Jongdae just learns to live with the fact that he could never really be the star of the show in his family.

He just never thought his running insecurity would find its way to his daily life outside of them.

Without him knowing it, the urge to prove himself and please others manifests in his being. A fear of being second rate,  _of being left behind,_ has deeply rooted itself in him.

And just like that, he realises the pattern repeats itself. In school. With his friends. Stuck in an awkward numbered group where he finds himself the odd one out. It’s not that his friends neglect him or anything like that. But even in a group of friends, there’ll always be people you would be closer with. Jongdae just wasn’t that person for any of them. They try not to make it obvious, but Jongdae still sees it. Even there, he’s still the sidekick. 

Then those two years. It was like having people push you way out of your limits when your two feet are glued stuck to the same place. Those _two years_ were a nightmare.

Self-preservation drove him miles away from the place he called home for the past 20 years. Not so fresh out of high school, Jongdae finds himself moving out of his hometown and into the arms of the urban jungle for college.

He briefly entertained the thought that his life might get better after a fresh start. Moving to a whole new place, with barely anything to call his, enrolling to a school that is a totally different concept from government-compulsory education establishments like high school, living in the dorms and rooming with an unknown. These were giant risks that Jongdae took and wishes would end with a high return for him in the future. He wishes, but he knows it won’t be a breeze through the park.

His first week in the alien environment only serves to prove him right. His roommate was a dick. He couldn’t navigate his way through the huge ass college— _it’s totally different from the cosy town he is used to_. He couldn't make friends. And he misses his family.

As much as he didn’t feel fully endeared back in his hometown, this place, that shouldn’t feel so foreign cause last he checked, he’s still in South Korea, it scares him enough to want to go back.

But Jongdae can’t go back to that toxicity that slowly rips his self-esteem apart.

 

 

Yet here he is again, feeling like a third wheel— _like a second choice_.

Jongdae doesn’t hate Luhan. He can’t hate him. Other than Minseok, he was also a hyung that took care of Jongdae during his little time here with them.

Luhan really just has bad timing. Today, Jongdae had decided he would tell Minseok how he feels. But now, as the two have finally calmed down and decide that they can actually share the menu, all Jongdae sees are two people that may or may not be in love with each other. Either way, Jongdae doesn’t spot any room for him there.

The wave of disappointment and heartbreak suddenly hits him strongfold and that familiar feeling of being alone, of being left behind consumes his body and prompts it to get up.

The clattering of his chair startles the other two and attracts their attention towards him. Which is good, cause their faces were literal inches away from each other, and Jongdae wouldn’t be able to handle it if he were to see anything remotely close to couple interactions from them right now. Why did he ever think confessing was a good idea?

“Jongdae?” They look at him with a questioning gaze at his abrupt behaviour, and as Jongdae stares down at them for a good minute or so, he decides that they look good. Alone. Or together. They look good and Jongdae’s just a ball of awkward insecurities, how could he try and go against that handsome man for the other.

 _Stupid._  

“Uh, sorry Minseok hyung. Luhan hyung. I forgot I had to go do—” His eyes shifts left and right at both of them, and the more he feels their eyes on him, the quicker air seems to leave his lungs and not go back in. He nods at them decidedly and stumbles out. He grabs his things and slings his bag along the way, rushing out the glass door, unconsciously ignoring Minseok and Luhan’s calls for him.

_Shit, shit, shit, shit. Why did I even think I could do this? So stupid._

Jongdae doesn’t see where he’s going as he continues to beat himself over, so he doesn’t see the kerb ahead, and he definitely doesn’t see another man strolling in front of him. The next moment, Jongdae is tripping and fumbling as he tries to keep balance. An arm shoots out to help him, but his things can’t be salvaged as his bag and its contents dive out. 

“Woah there,” Jongdae feels even more like a klutz as the man lets out a snicker and rights him. Jongdae mumbles out a quick thanks as he bends down to start picking up his things. 

“You need help sweet cheeks?” A chuckle resounds and a pair of hands joins his in picking up his clutter.

He shakes his head, mumbling a quick, quiet no, and stuffs all his things inside his small messenger bag as much as his shaky hands would allow him.

“You okay there?” The man gestures at him. Jongdae ignores him in favour of drowning in his thoughts again. Of Minseok. And Luhan. And how he just sucks. _Jongdae, not Luhan._ Cause only Jongdae sucks. Like the stupid broken pen in his hands.

_And like this stupid book too. It sucks too._

And before Jongdae could go further into the specifics of exactly why the book _sucked_ , something suddenly pops out in front of him, which shocks him into slapping it away instinctively. A shout sounds along with his slap and Jongdae realises that that something was a face. And—

_Oh my god, I just slapped a random dude._

“Oh my god, I am so sorry,” Jongdae offers out profusely as he helps out the guy stand after he fell from the slap. As Jongdae pulls him up, he notices the man is holding a few of his things he helped pick up, and now he just feels his stomach churn even more with guilt.

“Wow, you didn’t hold back there.” The guy winces out as he rubs his reddening cheek.

“I’m sorry, you just suddenly popped out in front of me.” Jongdae takes whatever he can from the guy’s hands and stuffs it into his bag again.

“Well, I’ve kinda been calling you but you just blanked out.” The guy teases him with a smile, and _huh_ , he’s strangely friendly with him—what with the fiasco just now.

Jongdae lets out an awkward chuckle and grabs for whatever’s left in the guy’s hands, “Again, really sorry about that. And, uh, thanks for the help.” He starts away from the grinning man and stuffs the things into his bag again.

The man’s grin slowly fades off from his face into a confused frown and he tries to call and reach out for the peculiar man again but he gets interrupted by a shout for bacon.

“Hey bacon, over here!” Jongdae ignores the eccentric cries for bacon and walks off with his dorm in mind. The lone man stares slightly regrettably at Jongdae’s leaving back and clicks his tongue as the blue headed moron who ruined what moment he had approached him from the other side.

 

 

Jongdae hopes that his roommate is not in right now but the door to his dorm opens smoothly, unlocked, meaning his roommate _is_ in. He enters the dorm and finds neatly made beds and desks, but no roommate. He hears the shower and pieces it in his head and calculates that he has about fifteen minutes of solitude to get his act together.

He’s not really in the mood for invasive questions right now, and with the way he looks—sad and depressed, he is sure to get questions.

He plomps down onto his bed face down and practices his breathing exercises. He wants to sleep the day away but the memories of just now all come flooding back and fill his mind.

_It’s okay, Jongdae. It’s okay._

He repeats the mantra inside his head, struggling to convince himself. He raises his head and rests his chin on his pillow, puffing out his cheeks and exhaling loudly, annoyed.

 _Of course it’s not okay. Urgh._ Why does he always end up like this?

He rubs his face with both hands roughly in frustration, rolling around in his bed looking like a five year old throwing a tantrum. If only he could whine his way through life and its heart breaks. But it doesn’t work like that and he fidgets around some more in his bed before he finally settles at staring at the ceiling.

He tries to continue being angry at the unfairness of it all, but after a while, his ugly frown just turns into a tired face, dark undereyes a testament to how late he stayed up last night from restlessness, body simmering with contained anxiety. Jongdae feels his eyes start to sting and he feels rather than see as his vision blurs, and he just feels stripped down right now.

Months of innocent longing for something he hoped was a given for everyone, even him. Weeks of contemplation that sparkled hope inside him, giving him confidence he never thought he could draw. Nerves from insecurities that try to catch up to him fills the few days before his planned day of confession.

All of it came crashing down the moment he saw Minseok and Luhan enter the cafe together, whispering conspicuously to each other, soft smiles betraying their supposed heated argument.

Jongdae’s just sad right now. Eyes downcast as he wonders if it’ll always be like this for him. He forces his eyes shut tightly when he feels wetness threatening to stream down.

His roommate finds him like that, small hands trying to cover up what it can of his sullen face, legs curled up towards his chest. He’s guessing things didn’t go well with Minseok, and he can only scowl, not knowing how to comfort his friend. If Jongdae would even allow him to. Jongdae’s more stubborn than he is, and he likes to pretend he’s okay all of the time so as to not worry anyone, fiercely denying it if they doubt him.

He knows, he’s tried. “Jongdae, get up. You’ll fall asleep like that and you have class in an hour.” He doesn’t mean for it to come out the way it did, scolding and uncaring, but he can’t help it sometimes.

“Soo,” He halts and stares expectantly at Jongdae who was now sitting up on the bed. Jongdae hardly calls him like that. Their first few weeks together as roommates were misunderstood and hesitant, the next few a bit more open. Months after, Jongdae’s learned to slither his way into Kyungsoo’s comfort zone but not the other way round. Kyungsoo thinks of Jongdae as a good friend, but he’s just a friendly acquaintance to Jongdae.

He waits expectantly, not pushing for fear that Jongdae might recoil. In the end, Jongdae shakes his head and looks up at Kyungsoo with a forced smile.

“Thanks for the reminder.” Kyungsoo wants to ask, wants to push, but Jongdae’s clenching his fists as he holds back whatever it is, and he just sighs as he replies back half-heartedly, dressing up quickly and leaving the room with his packed bag.

Jongdae’s aware he might have hurt his friend, but when does he not. All Jongdae’s good at is pushing people away or being unimportant in their life. Replaceable.

Jongdae goes to the bathroom connected to their dorm and turns the sink. He quickly washes his face with cold water, washing away any evidence of his desolation.

In the end, Jongdae knows what always happens.

People come and pretend to stay. He comes into their lives and wants to stay. But they probably wouldn’t mind if he left.

There’s always someone better than him, and why should he blame them for monopolising the spotlight.

But sometimes he wonders what it’d feel like to be the star—the sun. To have the universe revolve around him. To have someone who’d gladly put him first.

 _To have someone who’d choose him_.

 

 

He wasn’t aware he’s spent the past thirty minutes staring at his sad reflection in the bathroom mirror, and had Kyungsoo not ring his phone up, he would have been late to class. He thanks Kyungsoo silently in his head for putting up with his depressed ass.

He’s packing up his bag and checking everything inside when he sees an unfamiliar leather case. He takes it out of his bag and realises it’s a wallet, but he doesn’t remember he or Kyungsoo ever owning something so... _flashy_.

It’s branded and authentic. Either Kyungsoo has been getting a style check or Jongdae’s been sleep stealing.

He opens it up and checks its contents, trying to find an identification of some sorts. He lets out a huff of achievement as he takes out a driver’s license.

 _Byun Baekhyun_.

 _Hmm_ , he doesn’t remember ever knowing a Byun Baekhyun. He carefully inspects the ID photo, and a flash of recognition hits him and his memory supplies a flashback of the man he bumped into earlier on. He couldn’t recognise him in the photo because of his then dark mop but now red hair.

_I must have accidentally took it when I was taking my things._

He reflects back on how careless he was acting and how he’s really inconvenience the guy to the maximum as of now. _Wow, now he’s even bringing bad luck to people he meets_. Jongdae lets out a sarcastic snort as he rolls his eyes. No wonder no one wants him.

He digs around the wallet some more to see if he could find some sort of contact information or something. He wants to return it quickly and personally to the guy, he feels bad enough to do so, rather than just sending it to campus office and wait for it to be collected.

As he’s doing so, he thinks back to the incident just now. Really, he’s such an absolute idiot for panicking around in public like that. He’s lucky he didn’t bump into some gangster or asshole.

He then remembers a handsome face and a teasing smile. He pauses in his efforts as the image prints itself in his eyes and it’s all he sees for a moment.

 _He’s cute_. Jongdae admits.

But cute, handsome faces only reminds him of Minseok and his suspended heartbreak, so he pushes charming eyes and its matching deep toned voice counterpart to the back of his mind, and takes out a note card from one of the wallet’s tiny pockets.   

_Hey! looks like you’ve found my classy, over priced wallet._

_Please return it to its equally classy owner as well._

_Drop by the Jeong-gwa-dong residence hall and drop it under Byun Baekhyun, thanks ;)_

_Jeong-gwa-dong huh_ … That’s about an eight minutes walk from his own dorms.

Jongdae turns to look at his digital clock on his study table and loses his shit when he sees the time. He’s only left with less than ten minutes to get to his lecture hall, which just so happens to be all the way at the end of the Social Sciences building, the other end of the campus from where he is.

 _God damn it_. He grabs his bag and rushes out of his room, not forgetting to lock it, and heads towards the campus bus stop after signing out. He won’t make it by walking anymore. For now, he just sets the wallet aside in his head for reminder. Maybe after all his classes today, he’ll drop by _Jeong-gwa-dong_ on his way back to his own dorm.

 

 

“That’s all for today. For your information, all lectures and tutorials next week are cancelled due to the school wide course restructuring.” All students’ ears perk up at the word ‘cancelled’ and any attention the lecturer lacked in the past hour is now given fully. “You may want to check your student emails regarding the issue, as there is a possibility of needing extra credits due to faculty deciding to decrease the credit units for this subject.”

At his announcement, all the students let out different types of reactions. Some leave quietly, already aware of the situation, while most whine and let out loud outbursts and protests, and Jongdae even sees a dude face planting into his desk. Jongdae would find it funny any other day, but right now he’d also do that if he wasn’t already thinking of what to do for the extra credits.

He picks up his things and leaves his last class of the day. He’s passing by the canteen and thinking of grabbing take out to eat at his dorm, a fleeting thought of getting Kyungsoo some food to make up for just now passing in his head. He’s calculating how much he could afford when he remembers the wallet in his bag.

Right, he could grab food and drop off the wallet on the way back. Satisfied with his plan, he takes out his own wallet and starts queueing up to order.

After getting everything he needs, he heads outside the building and makes his way to the _Jeong-gwa-dong_ residence hall.

 

 

He’s arrived at the dorm building, hangul letters spelling out _Jeong-gwa-dong_ adorning the sign in front of the entrance. He steps inside and enters the common area, making a beeline towards the reception counter as he looks around. It doesn’t look that different from his own residence hall building.

He doesn’t see anyone stationed behind the counter so he rings the bell to signal his presence. A shout of ‘Coming’ sounds from a room nearby and he waits patiently, fiddling with the wallet he’s come to return inside his bag. After a while, a friendly looking man comes out with a smile and addresses Jongdae “Hi, I’m Junmyeon. The RA of _Jeong-gwa-dong_ dorm. You don’t seem to be residing here, so how may I help you? Are you registering to dorm here?”

Jongdae stares at the man blanky for a while, nervous as he rattles on without allowing Jongdae the chance to reply. “Oh, uh, no. I’m actually here to drop off something for someone dorming here.” He offers a smile, hoping to not seem like a wreck.

“Oh, sure! Who is it you’re dropping off for? I can call them down if they’re here right now.” Junmyeon says as he opens the window tab on the computer of the residents’ current status. 

“Oh, umm, Byun Baekhyun.” Jongdae offers in hesitantly and watches as the RA finds and refers to the page. He’s frowning as he checks and looks up at Jongdae once he’s sure.

“Looks like he’s still signed out. And I’m not sure when he’ll back.”

Jongdae thinks the new information over. He really wanted to return the wallet back personally though and apologise for the inconvenience caused, but looks like things always don’t turn out the way he wants them to, _yet again._  

“Do you want to just drop it off with me? And I’ll pass it to him when he gets back. Baekhyun right?”

“Oh, yeah, Byun Baekhyun, I’ll just drop it off here then, and maybe a note if it’s okay.” An apology note would have to do then—

“Why not skip the note and tell me yourself?” Jongdae turns around at the familiar deep timbre voice tinted with the same teasing tone and comes face to face with the same red headed man he crashed into before. He’s got the same charming look as when Jongdae first saw him, and Jongdae is exactly that— _charmed._  

And it horribly reminds him of the first time he fell for Minseok’s sweet smile.

“Well, looks like I don’t have to do anything then! Hey Baekhyun, he was dropping off your wallet.” Junmyeon fills in the silence, but he gets ignored as both Baekhyun and Jongdae just continue staring at each other. One with poorly disguised amusement and excitement, the other blank awkwardness.

The two friends behind Baekhyun, who’ve been unnoticed until now, roll their eyes at the obvious tension in the air. The blond of the two coughs obnoxiously and leaves for his hyung’s room, not wanting to witness the cringy display of attempted flirting his hyung will surely dish out. The other just gives a knowing smile as he pats Baekhyun in the back following behind.

“Junmyeon-hyung, you might want to get back to whatever you’re doing.” Junmyeon watches them head to Baekhyun’s room confusedly but heeds the advice anyway. 

Now, Baekhyun is left alone with a vibrant smile on his own face and a fidgeting Jongdae. 

“So—”

“Umm—” 

They both start at the same time, and they laugh a little at the situation. Jongdae doesn’t know why it’s so awkward, but maybe it’s just him in his natural state. He should just hurry up and apologise so they can all get back to normal. He hurriedly takes out the wallet from his bag and hands it to the man in front of him with both hands outstretched.

“Here, your wallet. Uh, I accidentally took it, I guess. Sorry ‘bout that. And for bumping into you and all that.” He’s stuttering and Baekhyun wants to coo at this man and tell him everything’s alright.

“And the slap.” But he can’t help but tease him just a little bit more, which works wonders as Jongdae tenses and starts chattering on how it was an accident and all that. Baekhyun honestly doesn’t care, he just likes watching him. 

“I’m really sorry about that especially.” He closes off, awkwardly still holding out the wallet, because the guy isn’t making any move to take it. He just wants to get this done and over with so he can go home and stress eat. 

“How about making it up to me, sweet cheeks?” This guy, Baekhyun, still doesn’t take his wallet and his captivating smile is slowly turning annoying to Jongdae.

“Please don’t call me that.” Jongdae’s really guilty of any inconvenience he’s caused the man, but his sympathy is slowly running thin. 

“What do I call you then?”

He opens his mouth to reply but sighs internally instead as he realises he almost fell for that trap.

“I’m Baekhyun.” Jongdae looks at the man as he introduces himself and is momentarily stunned by the boyish smile. Baekhyun finally takes his wallet from Jongdae and stares back, smile on his face notwithstanding.

“Right, I knew that. Well, sorry again, Baekhyun. And, uh, bye.” Jongdae makes to move but Baekhyun blocks his way and Jongdae’s starting to get irritated by the guy.

“Woah, wait, is that all? How ‘bout that making up? Can I have your number? Or Instagram? Or Twitter? I’m fine with whatever you give.” Baekhyun adds in a wink as he says the last part. Jongdae thinks he probably thinks he’s sleek like that.

“I don’t have Instagram” Baekhyun’s opening his mouth again so Jongdae quickly adds, “or Twitter.”

“But you have a phone, right?”

Jongdae lets out what sounds like a long drawn out whine to Baekhyun.

Jongdae takes in a heavy breath and determinedly curves all of Baekhyun’s attempts at making friends. Why he would socialise willingly, and with Jongdae especially, he doesn’t understand.

“Look, I just came here to return your wallet and apologise for my carelessness—” 

“Yeah, you seemed lost in thought back there.” Baekhyun cuts him off, and his friendly reminder brings down Jongdae’s mood as he remembers the happenings of this morning. Baekhyun didn’t mean to, but now he’s looking at the troubled face he first met.

“ _Yeah_ , so, now that I’ve done that, I’ll just leave.” Baekhyun gets the hint this time that maybe he’s been a bit too pushy. He almost feels bad enough to let the man go.

_Almost._

He grabs his arm, effectively stopping him in his tracks again. Jongdae’s so close to screaming at the guy, but he sees the serious look in the other’s eyes and finds his body paralysed from the smoldering stare.

“Can I at least get your name?” Jongdae prefers this soft voice and kind gaze compared to the pretentious act he put up just now. After a tense pause, Jongdae can’t find it in himself to stop from answering. 

“Kim Jongdae.” It must have been a good answer as he's rewarded with a blinding smile from Baekhyun.

“ _Jongdae_ , nice to meet you.” He feels a shiver run through his spine and with apprehension, admits that he may like the way his name comes out of those lips. Baekhyun’s smile gets wider as he loosens his grip on Jongdae’s arm, but Jongdae can’t draw his eyes back from the shiny, bright ones in front of him to notice.

Baekhyun has finally backed down enough to give Jongdae his space. He leaves him one last smile before turning towards the rooms.

“I’ll see you around, Jongdae.”

Jongdae nods dumbly as this time, he watches the other leave. 

A cute guy with velvet brown eyes and mesmerising smiles etched in his mind.

 _But cute guys with pretty eyes and nice smiles aren’t meant for Jongdae_.

And with this sobering thought, he too turns and leaves.

 


	2. i'm still lost in your orbit

The next time Jongdae met Baekhyun was fatefully, at the same cafe.

He was hiding in the restrooms in the back of the shop. He had been trying to finish up his assignments when he saw the two people he’d been avoiding the whole week. Minseok and Luhan were walking outside, seemingly making their way inside the cafe.

Why did Jongdae choose to study here when he knows it’s their usual go to place? He quickly closes his laptop and takes his phone with him, dashing far away from them. He doesn’t have time to take all his things as he’d really prefer not to meet them.

 _Why are they always together anyways?_ Jongdae pouts as he observes them from behind a wall. They sit a table down Jongdae’s table which cements his position since he really can’t go back out there now.

He’s messaging Kyungsoo for S.O.S when he feels a tap on his back. He yelps out a small shriek, dropping his phone in the process, thinking of the worst case scenario where Minseok and Luhan find him avoiding them, learn of Jongdae’s feelings, hate him for it, and stop being his friend.

Jongdae’s crying silently at that thought as he turns around and meets with familiar eyes. Eyes that, if he were honest, have been haunting him now and then in his daydreams.

“Baekhyun.” He sighs out in relief.

“Jongdae.” His sigh gets sucked back into his lungs as Baekhyun directs him with a thousand watt smile, looking so excited to see him. Jongdae swats that thought out of his head cause it's not appropriate at the moment.

“We seem to be meeting like this a lot.” Baekhyun chuckles as he bends down to pick up the dropped phone. “And I’m always picking up your stuff.” Baekhyun’s grin is infectious and Jongdae can’t help the small smile, lips taking shape into small, curved curls.

“So what were you doing hiding in front of the men’s?” The question snaps Jongdae of his daze and he turns back around to where Minseok and Luhan were sitting at, relieved that they still haven’t noticed him. He’s unaware as Baekhyun watches him and looks at the same direction, making the connection between Jongdae and the two men.

“You avoiding them too?” Baekhyun teases and Jongdae fixes him with a confused stare, straight brows furrowing as if to question him.

“You know Minseok-hyung and Luhan-hyung?”

“Nah, not personally. Didn’t even know know their names. Just see them a lot here, and yeah, they’re weird enough for me to avoid them too.” Jongdae unconsciously lets out a small laugh, a literal ‘ _ahahaha_ ’, and Baekhyun is whipped.

 _He’s so cute_.

Jongdae abruptly stops laughing as though he wasn’t aware he even laughed. Baekhyun studies him for a while, fully endeared, so he looks down at the unlocked phone in his hands decidedly. He exits the messenger application Jongdae was on, a conversation with ‘ _Soo Squishy ^o^_ ’ opened with an incomplete text. He mentally snorts at that, of course Jongdae is the type to use cute nicknames and emoticons.

“So Squishy?”

“It’s pronounced _Soo_ Squi— What are you—” Jongdae doesn’t finish his question, absurdly watching the man opposite him open his dial pad, keying in an unknown number and saving it as ‘ _Baekhyunee :3_ ’. He then calls the new contact, and from somewhere behind his back Jongdae hears Baekhyun’s ringtone going off.

‘ _Su eopsneun bami chajawado~ Nae haneuren ojik neoman bitna~_ ’

Baekhyun nods in satisfaction, ending the call, locking the phone, and handing it back to Jongdae who’s still not sure of what just happened.

“Sorry ‘bout that. But there was something wrong with your phone.” Jongdae’s still staring at him weirdly, not understanding how his previous actions fixed anything. And Jongdae’s phone was working fine enough before that.

“Which was?”

“It didn’t have my number in it.” Baekhyun states matter of factly with a cheeky grin on his face, and god damn if Jongdae ever admits he found that attractive; the cheesy line and Baekhyun.

“And mine didn’t have yours.” Baekhyun pouts exaggeratedly, now more confident to joke around when he doesn't sense any negative reactions from Jongdae.

Jongdae really can’t help it this time and allows a wholehearted laugh to burst out. Baekhyun’s happy he got him to laugh this much and _oh_ , what he wouldn’t do to be given more chances to make the man laugh more.

He takes in the chuckling man in front of him, appreciating the way those sharp cheekbones contour the soft face, long lashes sweeping said cheekbones as Jongdae’s eyelids close in his state of laughter. Baekhyun’s particularly amazed at the way those lips curl up so perfectly at the edges, framing perfectly lined teeth and a tongue that Baekhyun notices is almost sticking out as he laughs. He doesn’t stop Jongdae, in fact, he could stand there all day, just staring at and listening to Jongdae laughing.

After a few beats, Jongdae finally calms and a lasting smile graces his face. Baekhyun swells with determination as he decides then and there that he wants to see this man more often.

“Hey Jongdae, do you support the school soccer team?” Jongdae’s caught off guard by the sudden change of topic but answers anyway.

“Oh, yeah, kind of? I have a few friends on the team.” Which reminds him of the same exact friends he was currently hiding from. He hopes they’ve finished whatever they were doing in the cafe so he could stop hiding suspiciously in front of the restrooms. But he wouldn’t mind if they stayed longer if it means he could stay hidden with Baekhyun as company. _He really wouldn’t_.

“Great, would you like to watch their next game with me? This Saturday?”

Jongdae stills, momentarily shocked. He thinks through what he just heard, and what? Did Baekhyun just— No, right? Jongdae’s not used to being pursued so boldly like this. Not that he’s had any experience at all. His first and only love was shattered in front of his eyes just a week before.

_Wait. Why am I overreacting? Maybe Baekhyun’s just being really friendly. Like those social butterflies, yeah, Baekhyun must be like one of those popular peeps trying to be friends with everyone._

But even as he tries to convince himself it’s just a friendly gesture coming from a friendly person, his chest won’t listen to logic and irrationally pumps faster.

“So what do you say?” Baekhyun asks again softly, calmly. He doesn’t want to be aggressive in his pursuit. He’s got a good sense of Jongdae’s character and doesn’t want to scare off the guy. So he waits, watching Jongdae think loudly through his face painted with confusion. He doesn’t know if he should laugh at his face or feel bad for the pressure he didn’t mean to put on the guy.

“Uh—”

Baekhyun shuffles his weight to a more comfortable stance after weighing his body on one leg for too long, but Jongdae misinterprets this as Baekhyun getting tired of waiting which motivates him to answer quickly.

“Yes!” A jolly silence rings as they’re both stunned at the sudden panicked outburst. Baekhyun just takes it in stride and smiles slowly after registering what Jongdae just shouted at him.

“I mean, yes. Sure. We can go together.” Jongdae shyly reiterates, composing himself more appropriately. He didn’t want to seem overly enthusiastic.

“Great, it’s a date.”

Especially since Baekhyun’s intentions are purely platonic.

_Wait, what—_

“Wai—”

“Jongdae?”

Both Baekhyun and Jongdae turn their attention towards the new voice, albeit the latter almost induces whiplash on himself from the about turn.

“L-Luhan hyung.”

“I knew you were here.” Luhan states confidently, his ever dopey smile on his face as he stares down at Jongdae.

“Luhan. I told you to wait—” And there goes Jongdae’s heart. It goes through a wild roller coaster of elation at seeing Minseok up close again for so long and then dread when Minseok puts his hand on Luhan’s shoulders. Jongdae swears he hearts actual shatters in the background at the action.

“But I was right, see? Jongdae’s here. With company.” His optimistic smile soon turns unwelcoming and he scans the unfamiliar guest from head to toe.

“Jongdae, is he bothering you?” Both Luhan and Minseok look at Baekhyun with open apprehension but focus on Jongdae with worried glances and his heart warms up at that. Even when he was selfishly avoiding them, ignoring their messages, calls, even to the point where he runs away from their shadows, they still care and worry about him.

“It’s alright, hyung.” He’s not talking about Baekhyun but they don’t know that. And doubt still lingers in his mind as he says that, but he feels rested and assured that no, Minseok and Luhan don’t know about his feelings, and as long as they never find out long enough for Jongdae to move on, it’ll all be alright.

“He’s a friend.” Jongdae sounds hesitant so Luhan and Minseok only glare at Baekhyun more.

“Hi. I’m Baekhyun. You guys must be Minseok and Luhan.”

“And how do you know that?”

“Jongdae told me. You’re both in the school soccer team right? Jongdae told me. I can’t wait to see the game this weekend.” Baekhyun continues before Luhan or Minseok can interrupt him again and after a while, they even start getting charmed by the ever so social Baekhyun and start chattering about soccer.

Jongdae’s amazed with how easily Baekhyun fits in. All three of them are conversing as if they were long time friends catching up over a friendly talk on sports. Jongdae feels left out as he looks between the three of them back and forth.

They’re all shining in his eyes and their conversation leaves no room for Jongdae. He’s imagining it, but he feels eyes on all four of them and insecurity runs through his body as his mind insists that he shouldn’t be standing with such good looking people.

Baekhyun’s eyeing him from the corner of his eyes and coughs softly to end their discussion.

“Hey, I’d love to talk more, but I best get going. It was nice meeting you guys.” He exchanges hand shakes with both Luhan and Minseok but not Jongdae, and it shoots at his morale even more. But before Jongdae can dwell on his uncertainty, Baekhyun softly taps him on his elbow and smiles down at him assuredly. “And I’ll text you later, alright?”

His face and the area Baekhyun touched is burning up, but he is strongly denying it.

_He’s just being friendly. He’s just being friendly._

“S-Sure.” He waves back at Baekhyun when he leaves and the three are left behind.

“Great. He’s gone. Now, Jongdae, tell hyung the truth. Is he bothering you?”

 

 

Baekhyun texts him a lot after that. From when he left Jongdae alone with two overprotective friends, one of which is an insistent gossip wheel who wouldn’t stop asking, not even 5 minutes passed, Jongdae already felt a vibration from the phone in his hands. A quick look at the screen and he sees a message from ‘ _Baekhyunee :3_ ’. It brings out a smile from him which raises Luhan’s suspicions more and he grows even louder with his incessant questions.

“I—We’re just worried, Jongdae. Especially since it was so hard to contact you the past week.” Luhan explains as all three of them return back to their tables.

Apparently, Luhan and Minseok had recognised Jongdae’s laptop and stuff on the table and already knew he was there. So really, all that pointless hiding Jongdae did? Really pointless. But like he said, he’s touched with how much they care for him and he felt bad now that Luhan mentions his missing in action.

“It’s really nothing, hyung. I just made a new friend.”

Luhan looked like he was about to say something again but a heavy hand on his shoulder from Minseok holds him back, and they begrudgingly leave it at that.

Jongdae’s heart involuntarily squeezes at their actions. _They’re so in sync_.

He feels another sequence of vibrations and checks his phone.

 

 _so… since your hyungs are regulars on the team,_ _does that mean they can get us the best seats in the house?_

 

_hey you haven’t been answering_

_jongdae did you block me_

_???_

_jongdae??_

 

Jongdae would break out into another amused grin if only Luhan and Minseok weren’t beside him at that moment.

 

_sweet cheeks~~~_

_don’t ignore me : < _

 

 _This_ he frowns at. Why does Baekhyun insist on calling him that?

 

_That’s not my name_

_And it’s a college game, it’s free seating_

_yay, you replied :3_

_what a party pooper :P_

_then we’ll just have to meet early then_

_to get the best seats_

_Okay, sure._

_but honestly, any seats are_ _the best as long as i’m with you_

_;)_

 

He doesn’t smack his phone and head on the table when he saw the message. But he is going red from it.

_God, this is so embarrassing._

_He’s just being friendly._

Baekhyun is a chatter, he concludes after the insistent notifications his phone is getting, and since Jongdae for the life of him could not control his facial expressions, he makes the good decision to leave. So he packs his things, and after a goodbye and complaints from Minseok and Luhan—read: only Luhan and his noisy mouth,  he heads out back to his dorms where he can sort out his head.

As he was walking back, he still felt his phone vibrate in notification of the uproar of messages Baekhyun was most likely bombarding him with. Jongdae doesn’t open and reply them for safety reasons. Cause nothing good comes out of walking and texting at the same time, and also, he doesn’t want to seem too excited about texting a ‘ _friend_ ’.

But as much as he tries to convince himself he’s not looking forward to replying Baekhyun, his hurried steps, half-hearted greeting to Kyungsoo, and quick throw of his bag as he takes his phone out and jump on the bed, opening his conversation with a small smile on his face contradicts it all.

 

_i can’t really say its my passion though_

_i enjoy it but if i could i’d pick something_ _cool like crime studies_

_bang bang_

_kkkk_

_hais, i’m still talking to myself :[_

_did you realy block me_

_sweet cheeks : < _

_sorry if i’m being really annoying :’(_

_i just really like you TT_

 

He doesn’t know what Baekhyun’s talking about. He’d have to check the previous 21 messages to understand, but he replies him for now.

 

_sorry, i was on my way back home_

_!!!!_

_yay, i feel so happy every time_ _you reply me hehe TT_

_talk to me_

_tell me about yourself_

_ <3 i wanna know more about you~ _

 

 

_Just being friendly._

They continue chatting on after that. Jongdae doesn’t feel time pass by, continuing to reply Baekhyun when the situation calls for it. He texts like he talks. Soft. Reserved. Almost _quiet_.

Baekhyun on the other hand texts exactly the way he talks, the way he carries himself; fun, energetic, heart out on his sleeves for everyone to see. Honest. Open. Something Jongdae wishes he could be.

He finds out a lot of stuff about Baekhyun during their short one hour talk. Baekhyun’s a medical student. Another item to add on the list of ‘Reasons why Jongdae doesn’t deserve to be Baekhyun’s friend’. He explains that his major is mostly his parent’s choice, and it was just a coincidence that he was good in it too.

Oh, and Baekhyun likes music too. He likes to sing, and he makes sure to mention it when Jongdae answers him what course he was in.

Then, Baekhyun’s favourite colour is red. He actually doesn’t have one —it always changes, but currently it’s red, hence his hair colour. He’s also older than Jongdae by a few months.

 

_what year were you born in?_

_1992_

_oooooh, i’m a 92-liner too_

_d &m? _

_21st September_

_ha~~~ i was born on may 6 :P_

_i’m your hyung~_

 

And, he’s also _reaaaally_ friendly.

‘So you sing? Guys who can sing are really sexy ;) just like you and me. Bet you sound even better when you sing. Do you play any instruments? Can’t decide if you’d be cuter or sexier playing a guitar :3’

“He’s just being friendly” has become Jongdae’s new mantra.

He tries to share things about himself too. He loves music; listening to music, singing to music, creating music. He loves it all. He also likes pink. And… that’s all.

Jongdae wants to share, but he can’t bring himself to and the conversation ends. Baekhyun has class and Jongdae has assignments to finish. So feeling rather down, he begins to type out a ‘See you at the game’, but Baekhyun beats him to it with something else.

 

_ttyl okays <3 _

 

And it’s that one line that Jongdae thinks about the whole day. And the next. _And the next_. And even when they text again over the course of those few days, he thinks about it. Baekhyun always ends their conversations with variations of ‘ _ttyl_ ’. And Jongdae— _Baekhyun wants to talk to Jongdae_.

Maybe he’s just being nice, but Jongdae’s still moved. It makes him giddy.

_He’s just being friendly._

Ultimately, Jongdae still has trouble believing he fully convinced himself of that.

 

 

Saturday arrives in a flash, but almost not fast enough for Jongdae, not that he would ever admit that. They had decided to meet outside the sports stadium about thirty minutes before the game starts.

Jongdae arrives ten minutes early, he hopes he doesn’t seem too excited or nervous, but he forgets all about that when he hears a call for his name.

“Jongdae!” He turns towards the voice and spots Baekhyun looking as soft and handsome as ever as he walks over to Jongdae and graces him with a smile.

Nerves flutter in his stomach as he musters up efforts to reply that smile and come up with what to say.

“Hi. You’re early.” Totally not what he was looking for, _tsk, can’t take it back_.

“You’re earlier.” Baekhyun replies with a chuckle, and well, at least he’s amused.

“Still, there seems to be a lot of people here already.” They both look to the direction of the entrances to see people in their school colours flocking in to what seems to be a rapidly filling stadium.

“We better get in. Shall we?” Baekhyun makes an overly courteous gesture, pointing towards the entrance with one hand and the other almost touching Jongdae’s back.

It makes Jongdae blush but he laughs it off with a small smile and lets Baekhyun’s warm presence lead him in. They luckily find seats quite near to the field and once they settle down, they look on as the players are warming up.

Jongdae’s eyes naturally draw to his two older friends on their side of the field and a fond look crosses over his face seeing how his usually goofy hyungs look really serious in their game mode. They’ve always been really passionate about the sport.

“You know, to be completely honest,” Baekhyun suddenly starts so Jongdae directs his attention to him. “I’m not really a big fan of soccer.”

Jongdae’s confusion shows in the furrow of his brows, which Baekhyun laughs at, finding it endearingly cute.

“But at the cafe…” He’s referring to how naturally Baekhyun conversed with two of the most obsessed people Jongdae knows when it comes to soccer, so it’s really confusing how Baekhyun is saying he’s not a fan.

“Haha, oh that, just repeating opinions I’ve heard around. Hard not to hear when the soccer team is our school’s pride and joy.”

Jongdae has newfound respect for Baekhyun. He would never be able to pull off that kind of thing.

“What about you? Don’t really see you as the sports type of guy.”

“Oh, I’m not. I just come for Minseok and Luhan hyung. They always insist I watch. If not, I’m the stay home type of guy.”

“That’s cool. People are too obsessed over these things anyway. Nothing wrong with staying at home, and if it matters, you’re my type of guy.” If they were texting right now, Jongdae would definitely have read that with a winky face, and it’s more so when Baekhyun actually does it and they both laugh at his antics.

_Friendly. Friendly. Just being friendly._

The game starts not too long after that. Baekhyun gets snacks for the both of them when the vendor walks past, insisting on paying for both their shares.

“Hey, come on, let me pay. I asked you out, didn’t I? I should pay for this date.”

“D-Date? This isn’t it a date.” _This. It’s just. Two guys trying to be friends. Friendly._

“You bet your sweet cheeks it is. Oh, look, look, someone just scored.”

They both focus back on the match, albeit Jongdae’s having a harder time. His face is flushed, _it’s because of the heat in the stadium_ , _yeah_ , and he’s annoyed. Who gave this man the right to turn him into goo like this? Baekhyun is so easily smooth with his words, Jongdae has a hard time deciding if they’re true or not.

The crowd opposite them suddenly cheers, while their side groans and jeers, Baekhyun following the crowd and even throwing a gummy bear for good measure. The other team just scored, and _dammit_ Jongdae’s supposed to be concentrating on the match, not on Baekhyun’s cute shenanigans.

He usually can’t take his eyes off of the team, _and Minseok_ , when he comes to these games. Even Luhan would have his undivided attention. So he wills himself to stop thinking about the warm press of Baekhyun’s arm on his, and focus on the game instead.

The opposing team is surprisingly strong, and the team’s having a hard time against them. It’s already the second half of the match and they’re still down 2—1. Jongdae can see how on edge both Minseok and Luhan are, and with the backbone players like that, the whole team is in turmoil too.

Jongdae wonders if at this point, would he still be able to see Minseok and Luhan’s victory pose they without fail direct at him after every match they win, which for this season was all the time.

“Hey, don’t cry.” _What?_ He turns a questioning look to Baekhyun beside him and repeats the question out loud.

“You looked so stressed, you looked like you were about to cry.” Baekhyun is cajoling him with a pout, and Jongdae is left bewildered yet again by Baekhyun.

“They’ll get through. This is the first ever match I'm watching, they can’t disappoint me.” Jongdae continues to stare at Baekhyun's cocky smile even as he returns to cheering with the crowd.

Baekhyun’s really weird, but it’s even weirder how Jongdae likes him.

As a friend.

 _Friendly_.

True to Baekhyun’s words, the match does get better. One of the other players gets a penalty kick in, bringing the score to a tie. Now, there’s nine minutes left on the clock, both teams are getting desperate to score. The ball doesn’t stay on one side of the field, a testament to both teams’ offence and defence.

It seems like the match will go into extra time at that point when suddenly Luhan is aggressively tackling the ball and running for the goal. Defenders from the rival team are rapidly chasing after him while Luhan’s own teammates try to keep them at bay. The intensity of the match is catching up to the audience and everyone’s off their seats and shouting, Jongdae and Baekhyun included.

Luhan is now only a few metres away from the post, the goalie watching his every move so when Luhan makes a kick, he dives into the direction the ball would have come lunging at, only to grab at nothing as Luhan had been passing the ball to Minseok wildly appearing out of nowhere.

Minseok takes advantage of the fallen goalkeeper and kicks, aiming the side of the net the player can definitely not reach. The latter tries anyway, getting up as fast as possible and reaches as far as he can, but Minseok’s kick is fast and precise and the shoot makes the goal, breaking the ceasefire and bringing the winning point to them.

Minseok roars and takes a victory run back to his position, arms up high in the air, the crowd roaring with him. The match isn’t over, there’s still two minutes left on the dot, but it’s going to be hard to make a miracle play here. The momentum’s with them, the match’s as good as done.

The final whistle blows and the stadium gets impossibly louder. Jongdae jumps and claps with the crowd and watches Minseok and Luhan expectantly. They’re both running towards each other from opposite sides of the field, excited shouts escaping their mouths. Jongdae watches as they finally collide in a painful hug and start ruffling up each other’s hair excitedly. Like monkeys, Jongdae laughs. He wonders what kind of cocky pose they’re going to come up with this time.

 _Except_ , except it doesn’t come.

He waits but Minseok and Luhan stay within their own happy bubble. His breaths slow, and hot white flashes in his eyes. He feels a familiar squeeze in his chest that’s associated with seeing his two hyungs, and the heat surrounding the whole place turns biting cold.

 _No, I don’t— It’s not—_ It’s not his right to feel like this. He shouldn’t, not anymore. So he forces his eyes close, willing the scene out of his head. It’s a childish and useless attempt. But he needs to try. He needs to be happy for them. He needs—

His eyes snap open and he looks down at the pair of arms wrapping around his waist. He’s struck dumb yet again with Baekhyun’s questionable actions. He just doesn’t understand the man’s thought processes. But he doesn’t mind it, the way it distracts him from his own negative ones.

“Umm, Baekhyun?” The man is comfortably pressed up against his side, his head resting on Jongdae’s shoulder. It’s a nice hug, especially at the moment, but still confusing.

“Mmh?”

“What are you doing?”

“I’m celebrating.” He replies self-assuredly.

“Celebrating?”

“This is how I celebrate.” Jongdae cracks up in an awkward chuckle and pats Baekhyun in the back, not really knowing how to deal with this situation.

“O-kay, this went on for too long don’t you think?”

“Shh, we’re having our high school musical moment.”

“We’re in college.” Jongdae realistically replies.

“Shh!”

And Jongdae doesn’t know why, but he does.

 

 

Jongdae says he doesn’t, but in actuality, he just doesn't want to admit it.

That after their hug in the stadium, Baekhyun asked him if he wanted to go down and congratulate his friends, and he had said _no_.

And how only after they went their separate ways with promises from Baekhyun to meet again does he realise, _no_ , because he doesn’t really want to see Minseok and Luhan, and also because he wants to be with Baekhyun more.

 _No_ , Jongdae doesn’t want to admit it. He’s going through the same exact things he went through when he fell for Minseok.

 

 

Baekhyun invites him out more after that and they start becoming really close. Jongdae’s even starting to act more comfortable and himself around Baekhyun.

He texts Baekhyun first sometimes. They call each other. They study out together. And when Baekhyun plays around with his words, Jongdae isn’t staying quiet and bites back equally sassy.

Baekhyun’s even getting to see the playful side of Jongdae. He jokes around a lot and laughs a lot more. But he’s still careful when Baekhyun would overstep the boundaries of friendship with him.

Baekhyun’s still a flirt, and Jongdae’s still scared. No, Jongdae’s not falling for Baekhyun, his chest still aches when he sees Minseok, but oh, how easy Baekhyun makes it for Jongdae to forget about that.

With Baekhyun, he doesn’t think of Minseok. He doesn’t think much at all. Cause with Baekhyun, it’s always a rush of fun times. With Baekhyun, he’s always demanding for his attention, and Jongdae gives.

And sooner, it’s no longer Minseok that brings unexplainable chest constrictions to Jongdae. It’s Baekhyun that Jongdae thinks about when he’s bored and his whole body would warm from the chest outwards.

No, Jongdae was not falling for Baekhyun.

The warming of his chest and body is just caused by natural weather phenomenons and not because Baekhyun touched him or what.

It’s not the fluttering of his heart he feels when Baekhyun compliments his singing, or when he sings along with him in his baritone voice, or when Baekhyun jokingly insinuates something more between them.

Or when he makes Baekhyun laugh. Or when Baekhyun makes him laugh.

No, Jongdae’s definitely not falling for Baekhyun and his carefree smile.

 

 

But hypothetically, if Jongdae were to admit that somewhere in the cracks of his broken heart, that _yes, he likes Baekhyun like that_ , it would be when Baekhyun insisted he meet Kyungsoo.

“Why?” Jongdae had looked up from the textbook he was highlighting. He and Baekhyun were in Baekhyun’s room, lying down on the floor while getting some school work done together when the latter suggested, _insisted really_ , he meet Kyungsoo.

“Well… He’s your best friend right? I should meet him.” He answers patronisingly, rolling himself towards Jongdae’s body and rests his chin on his back.

Jongdae thinks his answer doesn’t really answer the question. And Kyungsoo’s not really his best friend, Jongdae would like that, but it’d probably be one-sided. Kyungsoo has better friends than him anyway.

So he’s hesitant and it shows, and Baekhyun won’t allow that.

“Please, Jongdae~ And then I’ll introduce you to my best friends!”

He nods hesitantly and Baekhyun celebrates by rolling over him completely.

“I still don’t really get it though?”

Baekhyun rolls his way to face Jongdae and looks him in the eye. Baekhyun doesn’t understand the concept of personal space, so Jongdae has adapted, but even this, their faces so close, their breaths are mingling, is a new height of their skinship.

“Jongdae. You mean a lot to me. And I want to mean a lot to you.” Jongdae still doesn’t understand Baekhyun’s cryptic reasonings and he shows his frustrations the way he always would, he whines. But it’s also to tamp down the incoming flush from Baekhyun’s words.

“Wha~t Baekhyun, I don’t get it!” Said person just laughs and rolls away again, his fluffy red hair bouncing along with him.

“It just means it’ll be harder to get rid of me, babe.” Baekhyun’s voice calling him babe rings way too nicely in his ears.

And maybe just to himself, he’ll admit Byun Baekhyun makes his heart do flip flops in his chest.

 

 

And so, according to Baekhyun’s wishes, Jongdae brings him to his dorm at a time he knows for sure Kyungsoo would be in.

He’d already given Kyungsoo a heads up that he’s bringing someone, and Jongdae knows Kyungsoo. He’s quiet, he prefers the quiet, it’s why they get along well. So Jongdae knows, he might not really like Baekhyun and his inability to keep quiet for even a minute.

But Jongdae wasn’t expecting Kyungsoo to scowl deeply the moment Jongdae and Baekhyun stepped into his view.

Baekhyun smiled brightly at him and introduced himself jovially, loudly. Jongdae thought that Kyungsoo would throw Baekhyun out the moment he mentioned Jongdae’s nickname for him, calling him _squishy_ , knowing how much he hates it, Jongdae’s more surprised Kyungsoo just leaves him be and returns to his desk.

He doesn’t know what happened, but he just brushes it off as Baekhyun’s never ending charm.

Later that same day, he asks Kyungsoo.

“He’s part of the rag tag team of people Chanyeol calls his friends,” is the answer he gets.

“Chanyeol? The Chanyeol who disturbs you all the time in your classes, that ‘big ear’-ed, tall, giant Chanyeol?” Jongdae’s only heard of the many things this Chanyeol has done to offend his friend.

“Yes. I hate them.”

“But you seemed okay with Baekhyun just now though?” Kyungsoo glares at him inquiringly, as if asking Jongdae if he’s really asking that.

“Well, obviously, you—” He stops mid-sentence at Jongdae’s innocent, expectant look. After a while when he doesn’t continue, Jongdae whines him to, but he shakes his head and stands to leave.

 

 

Jongdae doesn’t see Baekhyun for a few days after that, and he worries even more because he’s not flooding Jongdae’s phone with messages or calls to meet too.

So it’s with immense relief that Jongdae’s phone rings with a call from ‘ _Baekhyunee :3_ ’ one day.

“Hey—”

“Jongdae. Hey, you free right now?” It sounds wrong.

“We need to talk.” Dread clogs up his throat and he doesn’t understand what Baekhyun would want to talk about so seriously with him. He just replies the best he can and they decide to meet later.

He’d usually be happy at getting to meet Baekhyun again but—

_We need to talk._

Is Baekhyun finally tired of him? Is Baekhyun going to tell him he’s not good enough to be his friend?

Jongdae wouldn’t be surprised. He wouldn’t put it on Baekhyun if that’s what he decides. But it’d still hurt Jongdae, especially after all they’ve went through together. Especially after they bared their souls to each other.

It’s an exaggeration but still. Jongdae didn’t tell anyone about Minseok, other than Kyungsoo, _well Kyungsoo found out on his own_ , so Jongdae’s only really told Baekhyun.

—

“Well my last relationship was like a solid year ago. I’m ready for a new one.” Baekhyun winks at Jongdae but pouts when Jongdae just chuckles awkwardly at him.

“What about you?” Jongdae gives him a blank look at his question, Baekhyun shoves him with his shoulder.

“Or what about Luhan?” This time Jongdae gives him a horrified look and starts shaking his head incredulously.

“No, no, no. Oh my gosh, no, not Luhan hyung.” Baekhyun still looks at him confusingly, so he explains further.

“I liked Minseok hyung.” Jongdae looks elsewhere to avoid Baekhyun’s reaction. He just admitted to liking a guy, and while gender doesn’t mean anything to Jongdae, Kyungsoo’s told him there are people still sensitive about it.

Jongdae can’t imagine Baekhyun would be the type to discriminate, and he did just ask about Luhan, a male. And although he’s straight, _he mentioned an ex-girlfriend_ , sometimes Jongdae gets a different message with the way Baekhyun acts towards him.

Baekhyun shifts to look at him better. “And what happened with that?”

“Oh, well, nothing.” He doesn’t like Minseok anymore, _he thinks?_ But thoughts of what could have been of course still haunt his thoughts here and there.

“Well, his loss. Are you hungry? Let’s go get something to eat.”

—

How careless Baekhyun had been really contrasted all of Jongdae’s worries. In that aspect, Jongdae really respects Baekhyun. He’s open-minded and doesn’t care about what others say or think about him. And maybe also that’s why Jongdae likes him.

Jongdae puts his phone down calmly on his lap and stares at the wall.

_I like Baekhyun?_

“Hey Jongdae, I’m gonna go—”

“Kyungsoo.” The man stops in his tracks and turns to Jongdae.

“I like Baekhyun?” Kyungsoo just gives him a quizzical look and murmurs unsurely. When Jongdae is still staring at him like a baby not knowing what to do, Kyungsoo makes up his mind and puts his bag down and leans on Jongdae’s table to look at him properly.

“I’m going to be late by doing this, but I have something to tell you that I maybe should have said a long time ago. Back with Minseok too.” Jongdae swallows anxiously as Kyungsoo continues.

“It’s okay. You’re okay.” Jongdae blinks at the unexpected assurance.

“I know you’re scared, I don’t know how much, and I can only imagine, but you’re you and you’re anxious, panicky, and always scared. So I’m telling you, before you ask again, it’s okay. Whatever you feel, whatever you think. It’s okay.”

“So you’re saying I should confess?”

“Ye—wait, what?” Kyungsoo whirls around to see that Jongdae is putting his shoes on and rushing out.

“No, wait, Jongdae—”

“I get it, Soo. Minseok, I should have just told him. And now, it’s too late. So I have to tell Baekhyun now.”

Kyungsoo’s very confused with how their conversation turned out. Maybe he was too poetic with his advice?

Well, there goes Jongdae anyway. He didn’t get his message across, but as long as the outcome is the same, it’s okay… _right?_

 

 

Baekhyun was just getting ready to go out and meet Jongdae when the man himself comes knocking on his door. Baekhyun’s surprised of course when he sees Jongdae’s sweaty face panting at his doorstep when he opened the door. They decided to meet at the school cafeteria thirty minutes from now, so why’s Jongdae here now?

“Jong—”

“Baekhyun, I like you.”

Jongdae awaits for Baekhyun’s reaction. He doesn’t know where he got this courage from, it’s like the time he decided to confess to Minseok too. Abrupt and attacking. But he had days to think it through, which only brought on more disadvantages. And well, that plan backfired before it could even start anyway. But now, he doesn’t know what to do, and again he finds himself wondering why his thought processes always brings him to unwanted situations like that.

“Umm, I mean, Kyungsoo told me to confess—”

“Kyungsoo told to you confess? So you don’t actually like me?”

“No— I do!”

 

 

Kyungsoo doesn’t have big ambitions in life, but at least now he knows, a counsellor’s not the right path for him.

Jongdae and Baekhyun holding hands are what awaits him after he comes back from his classes.

“O-kay, so Jongdae confessed.”

“Because you told him to.” Baekhyun squints his eyes at him accusingly.

“I didn’t. So now you’re both together or something? But why are you here?”

Baekhyun stands and points at Kyungsoo determinedly. “Because you ruined my plans of confessing to Jongdae myself! So apologise!”

“If anything, you should thank me. Jongdae was unsure of his feelings. I helped you.”

“What!”

Jongdae couldn’t dream of a scene like this even if he tried. It’s weird, and he still doesn’t really understand what just happened, but Baekhyun likes him back. The closest thing he has to a best friend is here arguing with the closest thing he has to a significant other and—

_Baekhyun likes him back._

 


	3. shall we fly a little bit higher

Jongdae should have known better.

Everything started going downhill when Baekhyun introduced him to his friends.

“The tall elf is Chanyeol, he’s going through a smurf phase hence the hair colour.”

“Hey!” Baekhyun then points towards another.

“The other blond idiot is Sehun. These are my dumb friends. They can’t live without me honestly.”

“Hello, I’m Jongdae.” He says bowing. Baekhyun’s friends are tall. Like really tall. Chanyeol seems nice enough with his big fluffy ears and wide smile, but Sehun looks intimidating.

“Don’t bow to them, babe. They ain’t worth it.” Baekhyun says, arm circling around Jongdae’s waist.

Jongdae blushes, he’s still not used to Baekhyun’s very intimate ways with showing affection.

“Oh ho, already at the _babe_ stage, eh, bacon?” Chanyeol teases, winking at Jongdae.

“Bacon?” _Why is that so familiar?_

“Baekhyun. Bacon. It rhymes, right?” Chanyeol grins at him expectantly, with a logic that doesn’t seem to reach to Jongdae. _Yeap_ , this is the type that Kyungsoo hates and he can now imagine the fights the two go through.

“Wow, hyung, you finally got your game back? I thought you’d never get over noona, but here we are. Ow—!”

Chanyeol slaps the back of Sehun’s head and they get into a mini argument right in front of Jongdae. Baekhyun coughs uncomfortably and rubs the back of his head. He then smiles at Jongdae apologetically and directs his attention elsewhere.

And after a while, they all settle down and get themselves more acquainted with each other. Still, Jongdae has a foreboding feeling with the previous topic.

But Baekhyun’s his now right? There’s nothing to worry about.

_“I thought you’d never get over noona.”_

_Nothing to worry about._

 

 

And he really should have known better.

Two weeks into his and Baekhyun’s newfound feelings for each other, they’re at a fast food joint when it happens.

Baekhyun was just trying to persuade Jongdae to bleach his hair when someone had approached their table.

“Baekhyun?”

Jongdae had looked up to see a young woman. She didn’t look like she fit in in the type of place they were at. A sculpted figure dressed elegantly, Jongdae’s only ever seen women like that in fashion magazines on shelves at a store.

“Noona.” Baekhyun stutters out astonished, disbelief over his face, but he still stands up to greet her when she walks closer. The lady’s face lights up even more at him and they give each other a hug. Jongdae just stays seated meekly.

“How are you?” She doesn’t let go of his arm, Jongdae notes it down quietly.

“I-I’m fine, noona. You’re here? I mean, I thought you were _—_ ”

Jongdae thinks that he hasn’t seen Baekhyun this flustered. He’s always confident. Always so sure. But here, right now, in front of this lady, he’s not.

“I finished my thesis earlier than I thought, so I’m back here for the time being.”

He’s more human. Less perfect. But still so beautiful. And with the event unfolding in front of him, Baekhyun discussing with the woman some medical jargon he doesn’t understand, insecurity nags at the back of his mind.

Baekhyun’s beautiful, and beautiful things don’t belong to Jongdae.

“Oh, sorry, you’re with someone?” The woman, _and Baekhyun_ , finally seem to take notice of him and addresses his presence.

“Oh, yes! Uh, this is Jongdae. Jongdae, this is Taeyeon noona, she was my senior.” He’s imagining it. He’s imagining the pause between ‘my senior’.

“Hello.” The woman smiles kindly at him, her hand reaching out for a shake. Jongdae, ever so timid, takes an awkward while before he’s reaching out a hand too. It’s enough to convey reluctance, and the woman _—_ _Taeyeon_ , Taeyeon takes her hand back stiffly after a quick shake.

“I’m sorry, I must have intruded.”

Baekhyun reassures her. She smiles again, and after a few questions back and forth, between her and Baekhyun only of course, she starts her leave.

“I’ll see you around, Baekhyun. Jongdae. Goodbye.” A smile again. Jongdae’s not a hateful person, but does someone really need to smile that much.

“I’m sorry, Jongdae. That was really sudden, but she was a really good senior to me, and she left abruptly last year so, err, we had to catch up.” Even Baekhyun doesn’t seem to buy his own reason for dismissing Jongdae alone like that just now.

“It’s okay, I understand.” He says comfortingly, and they continue where they left off as if someone didn’t just sweep in like the wind and start a small blizzard in her wake.

It’s not okay. And Jongdae doesn’t understand.

And at the end of the day, after Baekhyun accompanied him home, after he finishes whatever work he has, after he showers, after Kyungsoo turns off the light and they both lie down on their own bed.

Long after, when he’s lying down straight and staring at his empty ceiling, he realises Baekhyun introduced him as Jongdae. Just Jongdae.

Jongdae feels sick in his stomach, but he convinces himself he shouldn’t worry.

 

 

Things don’t get better, in fact, they actually get worse.

Worst, when Baekhyun invites him to come to Sehun’s birthday celebration.

“It’s just a simple gathering, Dae. There won’t be many people. Just a few close friends.” Baekhyun knows Jongdae dislikes people, or more like interacting with them. He hates mingling around, Baekhyun knows this, it’s why he’s telling Jongdae all that.

But Baekhyun wants him to go, believes in Jongdae, insists he meets _all_ of his friends. So Jongdae does.

He comes with Baekhyun, fashionably late so there’s quite a number of people there already. It’s just a small crowd as promised, but still too many people. It’s like the first time Minseok introduced him to his entourage of soccer buddies and other friends. Too many people, _suffocating_. Only Luhan and another senior, Yixing, had managed to remain a comfortable acquaintance to Jongdae.

It’s just as smothering here in Sehun’s own apartment outside of campus, if not more. A few familiar faces eases him though. He sees Junmyeon, the friendly RA, Chanyeol, and the man of the hour, Sehun. But they’re hardly people Jongdae can approach just like that.

So he sticks with Baekhyun, for most of the time he’s spent there so far, he’s always seen beside Baekhyun. Baekhyun doesn’t mind, holding Jongdae closer.

The party progresses uneventfully like that. That is until a recognisable figure enters the living room.

“Sehun-ah! Happy birthday, brat!”

“Taeyeon noona!” Her presence lifts the mood and the party looks to have picked up. People surround her and the birthday boy as she gives him the bags of presents she got for him.

“This is too much, noona.”

“Never for my favourite dongsaeng.” She pinches his cheeks and protests rise at her statement from others around.

Everyone gets back to their own previous deeds, even more lively. Taeyeon is going around greeting people. Jongdae doesn’t understand why but he’s wary of her. His chest has been in unrest when he met her, and it’s unrest now.

His senses heighten and pick up everything around him. He hears conversations he can’t be part of, memories he can’t relate to, sees people he’s never met, feels warmer despite the air-conditioner in the room.

He gets up from Baekhyun’s embrace and excuses himself to the washroom.

“You okay?” He nods reassuringly and makes his way to the empty hallway where the washroom is located at. If he weren’t so caught up in his own panic, he could have noticed Baekhyun’s own tense form too.

 

 

He calms down in the washroom for what feels like hours, but in reality, was only about fifteen minutes. But he still worries he took too long, it’ll look weird. So he washes up quickly despite not doing anything and leaves the washroom.

He doesn’t really want to go back to the party, now more than ever wanting to go back home. But he sucks it up and walks back the way to the living room where he passes by the kitchen and hears his boyfriend’s velveteen voice, but it sounds panicked and angry. A tone Jongdae’s never heard before.

“Why would you invite her? And you didn’t even tell me!” Jongdae hides behind the wall and peeks inside the kitchen to see Baekhyun. With Sehun and Chanyeol. His face is red and contorted in anger, his pretty face looking menacing, and in spite of the height difference, Sehun looks small compared to his hyung. Chanyeol holds Baekhyun back with a hand on his shoulder, looking worried and serious.

“She’s my friend too, hyung. And it’s not my fault you still can’t get over the fact that she left you.” Sehun’s tone was biting, but his face shows regret when he sees Baekhyun’s crestfallen expression and Chanyeol’s disappointed face at his statement.

“H-Hyung, I’m sorry.” There is a long pause.

“No. It’s okay. You’re _—_ ” Jongdae doesn’t stay to hear what else Baekhyun has to say. He doesn’t think he can bear it. Bear whatever he thinks Baekhyun was about to say.

Instead of going back to the living room, he turns towards the door and runs for it. He leaves and runs back to his dorm, his tail in between his legs.

 

 

He’s freaking out for no reason really. Even though it sounded like it was going into that direction, he doesn’t really know if Baekhyun admitted to Sehun’s accusations. Well, he left before he could find out. So it’s his fault again.

_Just who is she?_

Jongdae’s not dumb. He can figure it out. Taeyeon was the ex-girlfriend Baekhyun mentioned, the noona Sehun said he never thought Baekhyun would get over, the girl that left Baekhyun, the same one he was about to acknowledge he couldn’t get over.

Jongdae’s head is spinning, he’s becoming breathless.

_It’s happening again._

Jongdae’s the second option again. _Always_.

Why did he think he’d be more than that?

With his parents, he was the second child. Second best.

With his friends, he’s the extra one. The odd one out.

With Minseok. Luhan.

With Baekhyun. Baekhyun who made him feel special. Baekhyun who was a perfect star, out of reach for Jongdae, yet he chose him. Silly, shy, stumbling, second choice Jongdae.

He’s walking back mindlessly to his dorms, but he realises he can’t show up in front of Kyungsoo like this again. Crushed. Depressed. _Heartbroken_.

Kyungsoo who’d had no choice but to be his friend because of their roommate status, who’d figure out Jongdae’s anxiety when he found him struggling to breathe their second week together, who’d comfort and patch Jongdae up genuinely, no questions asked, someone Jongdae has troubled and given nothing in return.

He’s burdened so many people. He’s burdened Kyungsoo enough.

So he wills his feet away, to a different direction, and for a while he walks around like that, aimlessly. It’s so funny. It’s so reminiscent of months ago, when he’d left the cafe, heartbroken from Minseok.

Now that he thinks about it, it’s also when he first met Baekhyun.

Is it always going to be like this for him? Is he not meant to be a constant in people’s lives?

A blinding white light suddenly flashes and he hears a distant clap of thunder in the distance.

Is that what he is? Coming and going. A storm of emotions and insecurity.

He takes a shaky breath through his nose, the earthy smell of rain on soil attacks his senses and he releases the air through his lips.

_It’s okay, Jongdae. It’s okay._

It’s been some time since he’s had to do this. Since he’s had an attack like this.

He feels drops on his head, and he realises it’s starting to rain. He looks around for shelter but sees that his feet has brought him to the park, where it’s only filled with trees. They can’t provide much shelter, but he tries anyway.

He makes a run for the nearest tree with the thickest crown that could provide the best shelter, and despite running as fast as he could, he still gets fairly drenched.

Now, he’s alone, heartbroken, and cold.

He feels a wetness on his cheeks and attributes it to the rain. Even when his vision is blurred, and his eyes sting, he blames it on the rain.

He refuses to cry over-over whatever this is. He’s tired, exhausted.

He gave up back with Minseok, he told himself he’ll stop thinking this way, cause he can’t. He doesn’t deserve to. He doesn’t deserve anyone.

So why does it hurt so much again now?

_Because I thought it’d be different this time._

This time, Baekhyun gave him a taste of what it would be like to be loved. To be the light in his life, like he became in Jongdae’s. Only, he took it back the moment it was in Jongdae’s reach.

No, he shouldn’t blame Baekhyun. It’s Jongdae.

He slides down the bark of the tree, ignoring the burns on his clothed back the friction his action caused. He sits on the grass, knees riding up to hide his face. His breaths are still laboured.

He wants to be angry at Baekhyun, wants to hate Taeyeon, Sehun.

But his heart doesn’t have the capacity to rage or hate. It’s just bitter, sad longing, with pitiful acceptance as it’s aftertaste.

 


	4. my entire universe is you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> quite a lot of swearing in this chapter?

He avoids Baekhyun’s calls and messages after that. He’s being cowardly and selfish, but he’s scared. Scared of the truth he’s been running away from.

He doesn’t think he can take it if Baekhyun tells it to his face how he doesn’t need Jongdae anymore.

“Jongdae.”

“I’m okay.”

He feels Kyungsoo trying to take away his blanket but he keeps a firm hold on it, not wanting to face even anything at the moment.

“No, you’re not.”

“I’m okay.”

He hears a sigh and the end of his bed dip down with Kyungsoo’s weight. He feels a hand rub his blanket covered body comfortingly, and he takes solace in it.

He takes what he can.

 

 

Baekhyun knocks impatiently on the door for the fourth time.

“Jongdae, please.” He waits but there’s still no answer, even though he knows Jongdae’s inside. He doesn’t have class at this time and even if he did, he’s asked Jongdae’s classmates and found out he’s been skipping his lectures and classes anyways.

He brings up his fist to knock for the fifth time again, when the door swings open. He jumps at finally being able to see his boyfriend, who disappeared and has been avoiding him the past week, but scowls disappointedly when he sees it’s Jongdae’s grouchy roommate instead.

“Kyung—”

“I’m telling you this now before I manage to hurt you, Byun. Leave.” His thick brows and full lips are set in a very ugly glare, and he makes to close the door. Baekhyun reacts quickly and puts his foot down to stop the closing door.

“Wait. I need to talk to Jongdae. I need—”

“You sure need a lot of things from him after you hurt him.” Kyungsoo’s not budging his defence on the door and it remains a steady pressure on Baekhyun’s foot.

“Look, Do. I don’t know what you’re talking ab—”

“Oh, that’s surprising. Since when do you know anything?” Baekhyun is affronted with how much Kyungsoo is antagonising him. From the first time they met, the guy acts like he has a personal vendetta against him.

“You and Chanyeol and all your dumb friends are always in your own world—” _Chanyeol? What the fuck does this have to do with that giraffe?_

“Look. I legitimately have no idea what you’re on about—”

“Jongdae came home five days ago, drenched from the rain, pretending to smile while he was actually crying at one in the fucking morning.” Kyungsoo is clenching his teeth painfully, trying to control himself from punching the idiot in front of him.

It’s news to Baekhyun too.

“What do you have to say, Byun?” Kyungsoo rolls his eyes at his silence and kicks Baekhyun’s foot away and tries to close the door again.

But Baekhyun snaps out of it and stops the door with his foot again. Kyungsoo screams at him with his mouth clenched shut, sounding like a dying animal. He’s about to start a second round of screaming when he sees Baekhyun’s serious expression.

“I really don’t know what happened to Jongdae.” Kyungsoo’s inclined to believe him this time.

“And even when you’re doing this to me, I thank you for being a good friend. I know you’re only trying to protect him.”

Kyungsoo softens a bit at this.

“But I care for Jongdae too, and I don’t know what happened, but I don’t want him to be sad too. So let me talk to him, and let’s help him together.”

Kyungsoo looks to be thinking about his words carefully. He scans Baekhyun up and down, and reluctantly opens the door big enough for Baekhyun to slip inside.

“Thanks.”

Kyungsoo grabs his shirt collar and pins him to the door.

“You’ve got ten minutes. Fix this.” He lets go and pushes Baekhyun out of the way, opening the door and exiting the room. Baekhyun fixes himself and makes a note to find out why the dude is so against him and what his tall friend has to do with it, but for now.

 _Jongdae_.

He ventures deeper into the room and finds Jongdae’s bed and desk empty. He hears the shower running and concludes Jongdae is in the bathroom. He hopes he finishes soon, Kyungsoo only gave him ten minutes and he doesn’t doubt the man _will_ be back in the allocated time.

And he also misses Jongdae.

He walks to his desk and finds music sheets and pages of written lyrics. Jongdae is so musically talented, Baekhyun still can’t believe he’s found such a gem.

He’s fiddling with the music scores and reading lyrics when he finally hears the bathroom door creaking open. Jongdae steps out, fully clothed, drying off his dripping, wet hair with his towel, looking so adorably soft, it makes Baekhyun’s heart clench. But his tired eyes and pale complexion makes Baekhyun’s heart clench in a different way.

“Soo?”

“Jongdae.” The man turns sharply at the voice calling his name and freezes on the spot with fear when his eyes land on Baekhyun.

Baekhyun doesn’t ever want to get that kind of reaction from Jongdae ever.

“Baek. Baekhyun. You, what are you doing here?” He’s recoiling from him, arms crossed protectively over himself.

“What are _you_ doing, Dae?” Jongdae stares at him questioningly, the look of fear still etched on his pretty face.

“Jongdae, talk to me. Why have you been avoiding me? And Kyungsoo told me what happened. You came home-” He takes steps to get closer to his boyfriend, but Jongdae flinches back.

Baekhyun’s offended. Did Jongdae think he’d ever hurt him?

“You left the party. Without telling me. You came home looking like a mess. You’ve not been replying me or answering your phone. Jongdae, what happened?”

Jongdae stays quiet for a long time, and the frustration in Baekhyun builds up.

“Jongdae, god damn it, talk to me. What’s wrong? I need you to tell me instead of closing up and staying quiet all the time!” Jongdae feels slighted and wronged, and he gets this sudden urge to defend himself. Irritation and desperation scorching his insides and fear consuming him.

“I know!” Baekhyun looks up at the soft yell that breaks Jongdae’s long silence, but he’s confused so he waits.

“I know about Taeyeon.” This time, it’s Baekhyun that freezes up.

“What do you know?” It’s come off wrong, he sounds suspicious, like he’s hiding something, and Jongdae grabs onto that.

“You love her. You still do.” He knows he’s been wrong in hiding things from Jongdae, but that, that was the most ridiculous thing he’s ever heard.

“No, Jongdae, I don’t. That’s ridiculous. I’m with you now. I like you—”

“Stop lying!” Jongdae’s taken aback with his volume. He’s never shouted like that before, angry and hideous. Baekhyun’s taken aback too.

“Sehun said. And then at Shake Shack, you looked at her like-” _like she was the most amazing thing you’ve ever seen_ “and then the party. I heard you and Sehun. You were going to agree with him.”

Baekhyun’s guts sink with realisation of how they must have sound, and Jongdae must have left before he could hear everything. He needs to stop this mess.

“Dae-” Baekhyun takes a few steps towards him.

“No! Stop! I don't want to hear it. I get it.” Jongdae snaps and moves to walk away, but Baekhyun’s patience is running thin and he’s functioning on frustration.

“No, you don’t, Jongdae! You don’t. You never do. You can if you want to, and if you let me, but you don’t.” Baekhyun yells out, pitch rising in disgruntlement.

“Cause you’re scared and always so quiet! You don’t tell me shit and I have to guess everything on my own. But I’m so tired of having to be so careful around you for fear that you turn into—” His face turns red from pent up anger and exasperation, not realising what he’s saying until he’s said it. And when he does, his face falls in deadly horror at his unfinished words.

Jongdae gets it though. Sees the way Baekhyun was pointing at him, _at a wreck_. And he’s in ruins. He feels his world crash down right in front of his eyes, all the walls he’s put up, his defences, and his denials.

Baekhyun just took years of Jongdae’s discomposed life full of anxiety and panic and slapped it across his face.

“Jongdae—” Baekhyun looks like his world is the one burning down right now with how hurt he looks. He didn’t mean what he said and he’s hurt Jongdae and he wants to hug him, stop the tears running down his beautiful cheeks.

The dorm door clicks open then and slams shut, announcing the presence of Kyungsoo. He rounds the corner from the doorway into the room, and rushes comfortingly to Jongdae’s side. This time, Jongdae doesn’t shy away and lets Kyungsoo guide him to the bed.

“Dae—” Kyungsoo fixes Baekhyun with a sharp glare, daring him to say more.

“Leave.”

Baekhyun doesn’t make a move.

“Leave, Byun, or I swear I’ll—” He gets stopped in his threats with a hand on his arm from Jongdae.

“Baekhyun, please leave.” Baekhyun shrinks in his spot at the sullen, tired voice. He’s torn on what to do. He wants to so badly run to Jongdae’s aid and promise him everything’s alright. But he’s fucked up. So, very reluctantly, he leaves with one more longing look at the hunched figure.

When he’s deemed it safe enough, Jongdae holds on tightly to the hands holding his and sobs awfully. Kyungsoo starts rubbing his back after freeing one hand from Jongdae’s deathly grip, and they stay like that until they both drift off to sleep, huddled together.

 

 

Baekhyun doesn’t give up and after a few hours of peaceful silence, Jongdae’s phone starts binging and ringing with messages and calls.

He browses through the messages, mostly apologies and pleas to talk. He ignores them the first few times, but after a day or so, his hands start itching to answer. To reply. To run right back into Baekhyun’s arms.

But it still puts a stake through his heart when he remembers what Baekhyun was implying.

_I’m so tired of having to be so careful around you—_

The words reverberate through his mind, and he puts his phone away again for the umpteenth time.

He adjusts his bag on his shoulder and opens the door to his dorm. He’s gone back to attending classes and lectures because there’s only so much he can miss. He doesn’t want to fail his modules and embarrass himself or his family on top of everything.

“Hey.” Kyungsoo greets him, not looking up from his laptop on his desk.

“Hey.” He replies back half-heartedly, sighing and flopping down onto his bed. Kyungsoo eyes him from the corner of his eyes.

“Rough day?”

Jongdae rubs his face into his pillow and nods silently. Kyungsoo knows though that it’s not his classes or workload that’s bothering Jongdae.

“You still haven’t talked to Baekhyun?” Jongdae stills at the mention of the name and Kyungsoo sighs.

“Dae.” Jongdae looks up at Kyungsoo like a petulant child. He feels like he knows what he’s going to say, but he doesn’t want to hear it, afraid of what it would do to him.

“I hate Byun. I hate his friends. I hate how he hurt you…” Jongdae feels a ‘but’ coming, and when Kyungsoo stands to sit by him on his bed, he submits to the incoming lecture.

“But there’s truth in his words.” Jongdae looks up at him with a bruised look so he quickly explains.

“Well, the way he said it was genius.” He rolls his eyes at his own sarcasm. “But, as much as it pains me to say this, I agree with what he said. Sometimes, you make it so hard to talk to you. To understand you.” He takes a hesitant pause.“We try but it’s like you’re always holding back and closing up on us.” He continues.

“We understand you. You’re shy, scared… anxious. Minseok, Luhan, me. Baekhyun. We understand and that’s why we don’t push you. But even when we give you time, space- you draw back, like you can’t trust us. And, you unknowingly hurt us.”

Jongdae takes the truth he’s been avoiding. Somewhere deep inside, he knew, but he’s been running away from it. Because it’s so much easier to just blame everything on his fear and not do anything about it, but he’s inevitably hurt himself and the people around him in the process.

“But Baekhyun. He genuinely, sincerely cares for you, and I can see he wants to help you through your anxiety. And he has. You were so happy with him. Happier than I’ve ever seen.”

Jongdae smiles tentatively at the memories of the short time he’s spent with Baekhyun. It doesn’t seem like it’s only been a few months since he’s met Baekhyun. It feels like they’ve known each other for so much longer than that.

“And I can see how miserable you are without him too.”

Kyungsoo pats him on the shoulder, so Jongdae looks at him.

“Talk to him. Have courage and face the music.” They share a small grin at his flair of words.

“Because that’s what Baekhyun’s trying to do for you too. But he can’t help, we can’t help, if you don’t want to help yourself.”

Jongdae gathers strength from their talk and takes a deep breath, and resolves to talk to Baekhyun. He turns towards Kyungsoo again and offers him a smile. A real, sincere, curled smile.

“Thanks, Soo.”

“Don't mention it. I tried to be less poetic and more practical this time, in case you jump to your own conclusions again like last time.” They both laugh remembering Kyungsoo's previous attempt to sort out his feelings.

“You were just _a little_ less poetic.”

 

 

 

Jongdae calls Baekhyun as soon as possible the next day in the early morning. He’s resolved. He’s going to talk to Baekhyun and _just talk to him_ , like he asked for.

Jongdae knows they haven’t really cleared up about other things yet. _Taeyeon_. But whether Baekhyun chooses to stay with him or not, Jongdae’s still going to tell him everything. The way he feels. The way he thinks. He’s going to tell him, not just for Baekhyun, or to show him and Kyungsoo, but for himself.

So while he listens to Baekhyun’s ringtone, he prepares himself.

_Even when countless nights come_

_In my sky, only you shine_

And when the song ends with a click, indicating that Baekhyun has picked up, they both start at the same time.

“Jongdae—”

“Baekhyun.”

“Jongdae, I’ve missed you.” Baekhyun sounds relieved to finally hear from him. It gives Jongdae hope that maybe Baekhyun just might—

“Can I see you? I need to talk to you.”

“Of course.” Baekhyun’s reply is instant. “Where are you now? I’ll go to you.”

“Oh, uh, it’s okay. We can just meet at the cafeteria or something.”

“Are you at your dorm? I’ll meet you at the _Chal-tteok-dong_ canteen then.”

Jongdae agrees and almost ends the call.

“I’ll see you soon.” They’re both quiet as they wait for the other to say something. Jongdae doesn’t know what to reply, he’s so hopeful and excited, but he wants to talk face to face.

“Yeah.”

 

 

Considering Baekhyun asked to meet at the _Chal-tteok-dong_ , Jongdae’s own dorm, canteen, it doesn’t take long for him to reach. Baekhyun’s still nowhere in sight so he takes a seat near the entrance where it’s easy to spot.

He sits and waits patiently, thinking through exactly what he wants to say. He’ll let Baekhyun know. He can’t wait.

A figure running towards his table catches his attention and he looks up to see Baekhyun in a dishevelled state. He looks… _sloppy_. His hair’s not styled to a messy perfection, instead it’s sticking up in different directions like he just got out of bed. He’s also wearing sweatpants instead of stylish jeans, trousers, or pants. And he’s wearing his favourite rugged plain white tee he loves wearing to sleep and there’s glasses on his face.

He really looks like he just woke up and rushed here, but he still looks very handsome to Jongdae.

“Jongdae.” Baekhyun’s giddy, boyish smile is lit up in relief and elation at finally being able to see him. And it reminds Jongdae of the time Baekhyun found him hiding in front of the men’s at the cafe. It still knocks the breath out of his lungs.

His resolve hardens and he stands up to match Baekhyun’s height.

“I have something to tell you and I hope it’s not too late for me to say this.” He starts off, uncaring of how they might look, standing directly in front of an empty table where they can sit. The place’s still quite empty anyway, only students with morning classes having breakfast. But he doesn’t care. He’s on a mission.

So he starts by admitting his problems.

“I have anxiety and panic disorder. I was diagnosed two years ago. Traumatic stress they say. Gave me pills, but I didn’t want to take them. Forced myself to believe I was okay, and resorted to calming exercises to convince myself I have no problems, that I’m just introverted.”

He can tell Baekhyun wasn’t expecting that from the surprise look on his fresh out of bed face, but he doesn’t stop there.

“I have abandonment issues. All my life, I’ve felt like I wasn’t important and was expendable, and that-” he stammers for words “that people were just going to leave me at any time they realise I wasn’t good enough for them. It made me leave my own family.”

Baekhyun looks at him in shock, sadness painting his face, but not pity. He wants to console Jongdae, but he sees the determination and resolution in his eyes, and lets him go on.

“And it’s why I was so scared to lose you, or scare you away with the wreck that I am.”

“And when I found out about Taeyeon, it got worse. I felt like it was happening all over again. People choosing others over me. But it meant so much more because it was you.” Jongdae’s voice cracks at his admission, but he’s so relieved he’s let it out.

“You mean so much to me, and I’m sorry that I’ve been running away all these while like a coward instead of facing my problems.” He wants to look down and avoid Baekhyun’s gaze, but he wills himself not to. He’s still got one more thing to say.

“I really like you, Baekhyun. Might love you even.” He colours. “But if you don’t feel the same way about me, then it’s okay. But I just had to let you know. To thank you for all that you’ve done and made me feel. Cause you’ve made me the happiest I am in the time I was with you.”

He feels so lightheaded and shy at his own confession, but he’s glad he’s put it out there. It’s still as he waits for Baekhyun’s response, and each second Baekhyun is quiet that passes, dread brims.

He can’t see it, but a million thoughts filter through Baekhyun’s head. He’s just speechless and moved with how much effort Jongdae is putting in for him. He’s so proud of Jongdae’s immense growth happening in front of his eyes.

And he has to return the favour.

So it’s his turn.

“Taeyeon.” Jongdae looks up at Baekhyun alarmingly. “She was my senior who really took good care of me when I was a freshman. And she was also my ex.” Baekhyun glances down.

“And I loved her.” Jongdae’s heart sinks, but he forces himself to swallow the bitter pill and accept the truth.

“We were together for almost two years when she suddenly upped and left, told me she had to leave to complete her Master’s. Left like we meant nothing, and I-” Baekhyun reflects the hurt in his eyes.

“I couldn’t get over her for a very long time.” Jongdae almost chokes up, but he listens.

“But that changed with you.”

“At first I thought you were just going to be another cute guy that I’d be with for a while, to try and help me forget and move on.” He recalls it, how he didn't think Jongdae would end up being more than just a pretty face.

“But over time, the more time I spent with you, I realised you’ve started becoming more than just a rebound for me.” 

“And when she came back, I was confused for a while. And then at the party, all I could think about was avoiding her, and protecting you, making sure you didn’t meet again. But I was just scared cause she meant a lot to me, but you do too, heck, even more.” Jongdae remembers that day, and takes in the new information. Light slowly creeping up in his dark tunnel.

“And when she approached me, I realised she was a good friend, a good senior, someone I loved and treasured.”

“But she left, she’s gone. She’s not here anymore.” He puts a hand to his heart.

“I found someone else who makes me happy, happier than she ever could. And that’s you.” He finally takes a step closer to Jongdae, slowly brushing his hand over Jongdae’s face softly at first, then taking it in both his hands, forcing him to stare into each other's eyes.

“It’s you that I want Jongdae. Not her. Not him.” He briefly gestures towards random people with his head, not once breaking eye contact.

“I want you.” He smiles, and it brings a relieved, tearful smile to Jongdae too. Jongdae smiling so breathtakingly beautifully like that is all Baekhyun could ever ask for in this world.

Baekhyun still has both hands cupping Jongdae’s soft cheeks, so Jongdae carefully cups Baekhyun’s face too.

This time, they can’t deny the electricity running through between them. It pulls them closer and makes them close their eyes. Jongdae expects a gentle touch on his lips, but it doesn’t come, so he opens his eyes.

It's to a sight of Baekhyun dopily smiling at him and he laughs exasperatedly. He hits Baekhyun playfully in the chest as he finally closes the distance between them completely and kisses Baekhyun full on his lips.

A dreamy chord passes through Jongdae, and he wants to stay in this moment forever.

Their lips break apart soon after, but their foreheads stay connected.

Their eyes convey promises that whatever happens, they will get through it, _together_.

At that moment, Jongdae feels the stars in the sky align, he feels like the universe, the sun.

_And it’s in the way Baekhyun looks at him that makes him feel like he’s the only star that shines the brightest —that matters to him._

 

 

**Epilogue**

 

“I’m sorry, Jongdae hyung. Err, I really didn’t mean to cause trouble for you.”

“What, Jongdae only?” Sehun rolls his eyes at Baekhyun and it garners him a hit from Baekhyun.

Sehun looks back down at him apologetically, and Jongdae realises, his tall, intimidating height is just a front to a kind, playful kid.

So he smiles gently at the taller, younger man. “It’s okay, Sehunnie.”

Sehun blushes furiously at the nickname and stutters while Baekhyun shouts indignantly at the injustice of it all. Jongdae’s amused at their reactions.

“Why does the brat get called cute nicknames when you still refuse to call me Baekhyunee!”

“Well, to be fair, you put that as your own name in my phone, which made me disinclined to call you that.” Baekhyun whines at Jongdae’s teasing reasoning.

“Jongdae hyung, you’re quite dangerous.” Sehun pipes in, still sporting a tiny blush. Jongdae is puzzled with what he means.

“It’s part of his charm. He doesn’t realise how attractive he is.” Baekhyun reasons, Sehun nodding understandably.

“What?” Jongdae asks, bewildered.

“You’re frustratingly oblivious sometimes, babe.” Baekhyun says as he wraps himself around Jongdae.

“What, am not.” Jongdae whines.

Baekhyun snorts at him. “I mean you didn’t realise Luhan’s freaking huge crush on you.”

“Wait, what?” Baekhyun sighs exaggeratedly at him, shaking his head comically.

“It's true.” Kyungsoo suddenly pops in the conversation, as Chanyeol huffs at him, commenting on his rudeness.

“Luhan was pathetic with his infatuation with you. The only one more pathetic than him is Minseok, and how he entertains his best friend.”

Jongdae is receiving the greatest shock of his life, so Kyungsoo teases him more.

“Luhan would come up with crazy shit to get your attention, and Minseok would just follow along exasperatedly. Too bad they couldn’t get your blind ass to notice.”

Jongdae refuses to believe what he’s hearing.

“True, even we know about it.” Chanyeol supplies beside Kyungsoo, giving up on having a conversation and leaning on top of the shorter, which earns him a punch to the gut.

“What, how?”

Baekhyun snuggles up to him comfortingly, “Remember that time at the cafe, I told you they’re weird enough for me to avoid them too?” Jongdae nods at the memory.

“Well, it’s because we saw them arguing at the cafe. Luhan was blaming Minseok that the love of his life would never notice him, and well Minseok just argued back. And then I figured it out when Luhan was planning my death with his eyes when he found us that time that you're ‘the love of his life’.” Baekhyun distractedly recalls the event, busy smothering his face into Jongdae’s neck.

“Then they got kicked out after starting a cat fight.” Sehun snickers.

The rest laughs at that, and while Jongdae still finds it hard to believe that everyone else, even Sehun and Chanyeol who’s never met Luhan and Minseok, know about something like that, right now as he laughs along with them and hugs Baekhyun back, Sehun judging them quietly in the background, and Kyungsoo bantering with Chanyeol, he feels and looks forward to the future with them.

 

The End

**Author's Note:**

> Bahhhhh, that was embarrassing, I have a love/hate relationship with this fic
> 
> Sorry if there's still any mistakes and the ending was kinda rushed, I wasn't in my right mind writing this. This was a product of my procrastination when I was supposed to be finishing school projects :-)
> 
> Anyway, I hoped you enjoyed it nevertheless! I tried to portray a Jongdae I fell in love with, soft, kind, caring, doesn't know he's beautiful sometimes Jongdae, but sans his playfulness and sassiness because I might have focused too much on his insecurity.
> 
> Hopefully in the future I can learn to write more happy stuff...
> 
> I actually wrote this story in Baekhyun's POV as well, although it's quite half assed, but I really enjoyed writing this piece and have really fun ideas for the characters in this universe :>  
> and if it's not so obvious, I'm chinguline trash and I love Chansoo almost as much as Baekchen sooo~  
> hehe
> 
> So like I might post Baekhyun's POV in the near future along with some extra extra something ((justice to chansoo))  
> and those plotholes are staring at me  
> No promises though, I really need to graduate college...  
> But I love jongdae and well he just inspires me so much so yeah idk where I'm going with this  
> Thank you once again for reading this  
> I'm looking forward to doing this again in the future ((again, hopefully))
> 
> P.S  
> Prompter-san, really special thanks to you. Your prompt called to me and while I had other prompts I liked, I did the randomiser thing online, and your prompt just wouldn't leave me alone. It has a special place in my cold heartu. Really hope you've enjoyed this :') <3


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